DANGER! Man Digging A Hole For Himself

July 26, 2009

Yes we moved your desk, quit blubbering!

Filed under: Crazy Women — John Pruitt @ 2:00 pm
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Have you ever worked with a joker?  Not the Heath Ledger sociopath, but rather the trickery of Penn and Teller?  I’ve had the pleasure of working with some real masters at the art of a good practical joke.  Even my own current president and CEO have both once or twice enlisted my help as wingman on a couple of jokes.  Through my association in this secretive society of the work related prankster I was once tangled up in a web of treachery, deceit and injustice that was rivaled only by the novel Go Dog Go by P.D. Eastman.  A book that truly mimics my life experiences.  This tale ties to my blubbering title after a couple of twists and turns, so stay with me dear reader, for I shall show you joking hell at it’s finest.

I work for a woman that I have unparalleled respect for in business.  She has brains and wisdom.  She communicates her thoughts and ideas in a way that I am envious of as well as thankful for.  She has the ability to exercise caution and restraint in conditions that I would jump without thinking of consequence.  With all of this you would think that she has little to no sense of humor.  Ahh but with humor, as with icebergs, if you see a hint on the surface, there is much much more beneath.  Due to conditions of privacy imposed on me by alliances at the time, I will not comment on her theatrical record of comedic evil to which I was a part.  Though I will say, to put it lightly, the girl can dish it out.

As with all good stories, along comes a spider.  Several people wanted justice and retribution against my comedic crime boss and came to me to assist them.  Being involved in the initial joke as her wingman, I would have been playing both sides against the middle and I knew it would mean I would have many jokes against me to contend with  in my future. I was fine with that part, but the joke they wanted to perpetrate was one I had some heinous experiences with in my past.   Because of this I declined their request and promised my silence as to their identities.  I did not warn my boss of her impending doom as the action we took together was done and our temporary alliance was at an end.  I wasn’t on retainer to be a squealer and besides, I surmised she needed no protection.  The supposition was in error.

Did someone move your desk?The next morning as my boss came into my office and said “Did you do it?”, I realized I wasn’t going to get out of this train wreck in one piece.  She flatly refused my denial but let me off the hook at first.  It seems that sometime in the night, someone had gained access to her office and completely reversed it.  Her desk was facing the wrong way and most accompanying furniture was also shifted.  My boss put on a strong front and attempted to work in an office gone backwards for about an hour.  She then returned to my office and gave me the task of switching it back.  I’m not sure if she did this because she was positive I had done the dirty deed or if it was because she knew she probably hadn’t caught me at something else so this would be cosmic justice as opposed to direct justice.  Cosmic justice is always a bigger pain because you know you are guilty of other things.  Karma is a $&#$@.  I should have squealed, but having a 3rd grade sense of right and wrong, I decided to swallow the justice and go in there and put things right.  Only then did I find out that the desk she had was made out of the heaviest material I had come across.  It had to border over 400 lbs and it didn’t want to be moved.  With much struggling and a couple of other guys who were not involved in either joke to help out, I managed to get her office back to it’s original shape.

My reason for staying out of the joke?  The heinous experience?  I’ve been working at places where employees have had desks since 1982  and I have seen this one office occurrence happen time and time again.  Offices change and grow.  People need to re-arrange the layout and move desks around.  Other people are not at work on the big day of the move.  Come the next morning?  Guys who were not in the office on move day go to their new desk, sit down, and it’s work as usual.  The women?  Ohhh it ranged from anger to tears but not one time was it work as usual.  I believe it has to do with the nesting thing.  Women can take nesting way too far and tend to nest everywhere they use as space.  Home, park bench, car, work.   When ever the duty comes to me of changing or doing something to a woman’s space without her knowledge or approval, I always refuse the duty.  

So now I put it to you dear reader what have you seen?  Am I off my nut again?  How deep is this hole really?  Please tell me here.  I’m dying to know what you think!

July 22, 2009

Road rage soccer mom mini van lunatics!

Filed under: Crazy Women — John Pruitt @ 4:45 pm
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Crazy mom driver

Crazy Mom Driver!

What happened to women in mini vans? I have a simple three mile drive to work that I have done so often I expect to see grooves in the road. In the last three months, I have seen a rash of crazy mom drivers! You gals are completely off the freakin chain! Let me first say that I have to see at least one car seat in the van before I upgrade the person to mom status. Also, obviously, the driver has to be a woman. So far, when it comes to the crazy mini vans or similar SUVs it is always a mom.

Around the corner from my house, for some idiot reason, San Jose extended a second lane about 100 yards before and after the intersection. So it goes from one lane, to two lanes then collapses back to one lane. This leads some drivers to jockey for a better position. So in the normal lane, we have a dual exhaust Mustang indicating the bigger motor and in front of him is a Porsche. Then in the open lane up comes… you guessed it… A MINI VAN. I can see her on the phone too. You know why? Because she isn’t wearing a bluetooth. She has her phone cranked up to the side of her head just like they did back in the 20th century! Also, there are two kid seats that I can see and one definitely has a kid in it. The light turns green and I swear this little Danica Patrick wanna be actually gets some scratch as she takes off! Now the Porsche isn’t stupid and doesn’t try anything for three guessable reasons.

  1. Doesn’t want to have to brag at work “Hey, I dusted a mini van at the light today!”
  2. Doesn’t want to loose to a mini van. I kid you not, it had to be some kind of GT model.
  3. Doesn’t want to be hit by a mini van. She’s crazy an on the phone, it could happen.

Of course once she gets her position in first place, she immediately drops to the speed limit which none of us were going to do. So now, we are all drafting behind a mini van doing 35. I swear the only drivers I have seen that are worse are either in Fed Ex trucks, notoriously more impolite than their UPS counterparts in my opinion, or Frito Lay trucks (I had one of these throw a side view mirror over my car once while he was trying to hit another truck).

Now that I think back to the 70s and 80s, my own mom had a nickname given to her by the guys in cross country who got a ride from us to get to meets. They called her Lead Foot. I remember a time when I was around 8 that I was warning her she was speeding. She brushed me off. Then a cop pulls us over and comes up to her window and says “Did you know you were speeding ma’am?” and my mom said “No officer” and of course I chimed in “Sure you did, I just told you that you were speeding!” Needless to say, I am not my mothers favorite son regardless of how I purport myself.

If you have your kids in the car, don’t drive like a lunatic! Fight in genetic disposition to join the ranks of crazy mom drivers! I’m just lightly dreaming about bad things happening to you, but I don’t really want any of them to come true. There are other nut jobs out there that will make sure the bad things come down on you like ugly on an ape. Be safe and be safe. Oh, and get a bluetooth or stop talking while you are, for lack of a better word, driving.

Any crazy mom driver stories you wish to share? comment please :)

July 18, 2009

Everybody Needs Someone To Talk To

Filed under: Polls — John Pruitt @ 3:38 pm
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When you find out something interesting, is there a person you have to share it with?  If you went through your phone records, is there one number that constantly comes up?  I was wondering if other people had a definite someone they always talk to about the big or little stuff that goes on in a day.  My wife and I called each other 72 times in the month of June (iPhones! YEA!! ).  I initiated all but 18 of those calls.  Wow, how needy am I?  Well actually I call her anywhere from two to three times while I’m at the grocery story to double check stock levels.  That will knock my number dow about 20 but I still end  up with an average of more than one call to my wife about something every day.  In comparrison to how often I call my best buddy, of about once a month, thats pretty severe.  I do twitter, facebook and email with a few people as well, but my wife is also statistically in all of those mediums with me so I’d say that my someone is solidly my wife.

Not much of a Man-Digging-Hole first blog post, but I did want people to know that I’ll probably be discussing a lot of these posts with her and that even with her constant supervision and with the professionalism of a magician, I will still dig a hole for myself.

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